I wanted to become a hero when I was a very young kid. Since everyone around me was trying to become someone or something, it was quite perspicuous that I also wanted to be the part of the herd. Kids in the vicinity wanted to become this or that according to their whims and fancies. For me, hero was an energetic person with panache, integrity and courage. Hero was a dauntless dude singing, dancing and flailing villains in movies I used to watch. Hero had guts and was full of problems to solve. My grandfather was a movie buff and his company affected me profoundly. When I expressed my desire to become a hero at first, he told me that there is a switch behind the TV which would help me get inside it and I would directly land in the Bollywood and then I would be a hero-heeralal. I used to eagerly wait for the day when my grandpa would oblige me by opening that miracle switch. That day never came. I realized that the story of the connection of the TV switch with the Bollywood was merely a fantasy, a lollypop to divert the deluge of my questions.
Then, as it dawned upon me that heroes were in fact mere ‘actors’ and not real heroes, I started nourishing the dream of becoming a martial man; a Spartan; for-all I needed was action—why it had to be action in war(as opposed to action on streets, in a field or in a show!) might be because it was a real time action and not something done for the sake of mere entertainment as wrestlers do! I wanted to become a warrior. Since days of warriors riding on a horse flaunting swords, scabbards, armours were long since gone; I wanted to join military because I wanted to do heroic deeds of bravery. Then, my parents started inculcating things in my psyche against this ambition because they were afraid of the earnestness with which I was eager to become a warrior and they were afraid of the risks involved. They managed somehow to persuade me to aim for something less threatening-like becoming a police officer. I got enticed by the idea because even a policeman was someone with swaggering demeanour, a pistol, a lot of authority and an elegant uniform! Those martial energies were vehemently rising in me and I wanted to become a master of martial arts for a while. I even joined a karate school and opened my own mini-school to teach karate to kids in my colony. It continued for a while( I had to stop my ultra-violent karate school because in a practice fight one of the kids got a bleeding nose!). I used to imitate action heroes and used to wrestle with every classmate in my school. I got interested in gymnastics for a while and I, along with a bunch of my classmates started performing dazzling tricks in our school's playground, which called for a lot of adrenaline rush and a lot of thrashing from our parents and teachers. By and by, these energies dwindled and intellectual propensities overtook martial storms.
The rivulet of time passed by and I wanted to become a scientist. It was, because a scientist was someone looking for truth and I also wanted to know the truth because existential nightmare had started, first frequenting me and later on haunting me. It also stayed with me for a while. Meanwhile a Mathematics teacher in my school asked me in a class: “Are you going to take Philosophy as a subject in college; you look like a Philosopher?”
I liked the idea very much because I was perpetually in search of truth and loved wisdom. My parents however, soon rejected the idea because it was not a safe bet to opt for Philosophy. Philosophers had hard time earning their daily bread and butter. Now, as per the zeitgeist of our time and locality- I was supposed to become and engineer. Since then, I did not seriously want to become anything. Time passed by and now I am an aspiring writer. This will also pass and something else will take over, because, we are perpetually in a rut of ‘becoming’. We want to become something or the other. We cannot just ‘be’.